well you can't waste a boner
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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