I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
