genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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