the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
