My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
