will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
