Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
