I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
