my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
