You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Vodka?
Forever.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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