I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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