im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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