I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
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