i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
