Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
