Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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