i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
