Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
