drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
