I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
