census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
