Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
