Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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