He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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