Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
