woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
