My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
