if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
