so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
