On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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