...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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