if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
