Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
