Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
