He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
