dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
