I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I feel great
I just peed on a car
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
