Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
