My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
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My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
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I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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