moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
