If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
