I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
