I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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