I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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