I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
