I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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