were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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