I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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