My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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