Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
