nut hugger
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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