Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
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