I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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