Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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