I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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