Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
