awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
