rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
