I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
